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4-Step Communication Tip

In this talk, we will explore a 4-step strategy to navigate difficult conversations.

Welcome. This session is going to be a talk about a communication strategy you can use in your partnership with your children or in just relationships in day-to-day life. It's a nonviolent communication technique, which was created by Marshall Rosenberg, which you can use specifically to respond to something that feels activating or triggering in you. Have you found yourself in those moments where somebody does something, it creates a nervous system response, and then maybe you go into blame, frustration, or reaction that doesn't actually feel aligned with how you'd most want to respond? It just seems to happen quickly. This is a four step framework that you can use to meet a person in that place so that you're honoring your own needs, values, boundaries, and also finding a way to move forward.

So I'll share the framework and then we'll explore what it can look like in practice. So somebody says something that is activating for you. You would respond when you say blank. I feel blank because I need blank. And then you make a request.

Would you be willing to blank? So let's take an example. Let's say you're in an argument, conversation argument, and the person just says, you just need to figure this out. And you feel that wave of frustration, heat coming up the body. So in that moment, there's probably a chance that we might say something like, how dare you? Right? So now we just go quickly into blaming. But we want to first start by honoring, acknowledging our own experience.

And we want to be able to offer specific feedback that the thing that the person did that is creating this feeling for us, because often we don't give that feedback. So we would say, Hey, when you say you just need to figure this out, I feel hurt because I need to feel like we're on a team together. And that makes me feel like you're pushing me away. Is this something you can work on with me? When you say this, I feel this because I need this. Would you be willing to this? So do you see how that works? You're naming specifically what the person did that created the response.

You're naming what that response was, so you're owning it. You're not saying you created this. You're saying when you did this, I felt this. And that's a very human way to interact. It's a very adult, mature way to interact.

This happened, and I had this response. You're owning your response and now you're owning the need underlying that response, a deeper value that you have that is creating this reaction. Now, sometimes you can do this reflection and realize, oh wow, this deeper need is maybe coming from a, an unresolved trauma or a need that maybe comes from a place of not feeling safe or it's me feeling fearful. And it could be something that you want to work on yourself rather than saying that this person is responsible for giving this to me. And of course, no person is responsible for giving us our needs.

We meet in partnership to explore what that integration can look like and how we may be able to offer something to another person. But on a deep level, if we are expecting another person to be the one that gives us all of our needs, that's going to create a lot of tension. And so there are some deeper wounds that can create this feeling of like, I need you to be this for me, in a way that actually doesn't feel like our most mature, evolved self. So doing this reflection can get us more in touch with that. But often the need is, is something that's real in a relationship.

And in this case, it was, I feel like I need to be on a team with you. This feels important to me. So when you say this, I feel this because I need this. And then making an offer. Would you be willing to this? In this case, would you be willing to work on this with me? Very simple general requests, but they can become more specific.

Now you might be hearing this framework and thinking, all right, Cory, nice communication strategy tips. But there's no way I would talked to my partner in that way. You know, maybe it doesn't fit your relationship dynamic. And I get that. There are certain relationships where maybe I could talk in this way and then other relationships, you know, friendships, I think of from years ago where this doesn't feel like it fits as much.

However, I do think you can use this framework and just adjust the tone. So let's take this same scenario and I'll, I'll try on a slightly different personality. So someone says, you just need to figure this out. And you would respond, hey, you know, when, when you say something like that, like you just need to figure this out, I really don't like that. I really don't.

It, it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. It actually hurts. And it's because I, I need to feel like we're, we're on a team, like we're doing this together. So is that something that we can work on, that you'd be willing to work on? So do you see how it's, it's the same languaging, but it's a slightly different tone that might meet a different relationship dynamic. Of course, there are an infinite number of permutations of what this can look like, what it can sound like, but the core framework is sound.

And it is a great way to step out of blame to be really specific on offering feedback. When you said this specifically, I felt this. This was it. I felt this. I felt this because I need this.

I have this need. These are all mature aspects of two people coming together expressing themselves and working through the messiness of, of intimacy. Now, you know, intimacy referring to any sort of closeness. So this can be in your partnership. But you can also apply this to parenting with your children and also friendships or relationships with, with other family members where it can get really messy.

And then at the end, the end is, is optional. But I think it's important. It's would you be willing to this? And you can change that up to fit whatever sort of requests you might want to make. But it's showing a way forward. So I think this can be a powerful communication strategy for you to implement into your life and into your relationships.

At the very least, I think it's something that can help you get clear on what you're feeling after somebody does something that makes you feel activated in a certain way. And you can go off on your own and reflect on it through this model. Okay. What was said? How did I feel? What is my need here? And what would I actually be asking of them? Whether or not you bring that to the relationship is up to you, but I do think it can be helpful for us to get clarity when we're feeling a bit soupy in our emotions. So I hope this gives you something to practice in your life.

Thank you for your practice. I'll talk to you soon. And until next time, take care.

Talk

4.7

4-Step Communication Tip

In this talk, we will explore a 4-step strategy to navigate difficult conversations.

Duration

Your default time is based on your progress and is changed automatically as you practice.

Welcome. This session is going to be a talk about a communication strategy you can use in your partnership with your children or in just relationships in day-to-day life. It's a nonviolent communication technique, which was created by Marshall Rosenberg, which you can use specifically to respond to something that feels activating or triggering in you. Have you found yourself in those moments where somebody does something, it creates a nervous system response, and then maybe you go into blame, frustration, or reaction that doesn't actually feel aligned with how you'd most want to respond? It just seems to happen quickly. This is a four step framework that you can use to meet a person in that place so that you're honoring your own needs, values, boundaries, and also finding a way to move forward.

So I'll share the framework and then we'll explore what it can look like in practice. So somebody says something that is activating for you. You would respond when you say blank. I feel blank because I need blank. And then you make a request.

Would you be willing to blank? So let's take an example. Let's say you're in an argument, conversation argument, and the person just says, you just need to figure this out. And you feel that wave of frustration, heat coming up the body. So in that moment, there's probably a chance that we might say something like, how dare you? Right? So now we just go quickly into blaming. But we want to first start by honoring, acknowledging our own experience.

And we want to be able to offer specific feedback that the thing that the person did that is creating this feeling for us, because often we don't give that feedback. So we would say, Hey, when you say you just need to figure this out, I feel hurt because I need to feel like we're on a team together. And that makes me feel like you're pushing me away. Is this something you can work on with me? When you say this, I feel this because I need this. Would you be willing to this? So do you see how that works? You're naming specifically what the person did that created the response.

You're naming what that response was, so you're owning it. You're not saying you created this. You're saying when you did this, I felt this. And that's a very human way to interact. It's a very adult, mature way to interact.

This happened, and I had this response. You're owning your response and now you're owning the need underlying that response, a deeper value that you have that is creating this reaction. Now, sometimes you can do this reflection and realize, oh wow, this deeper need is maybe coming from a, an unresolved trauma or a need that maybe comes from a place of not feeling safe or it's me feeling fearful. And it could be something that you want to work on yourself rather than saying that this person is responsible for giving this to me. And of course, no person is responsible for giving us our needs.

We meet in partnership to explore what that integration can look like and how we may be able to offer something to another person. But on a deep level, if we are expecting another person to be the one that gives us all of our needs, that's going to create a lot of tension. And so there are some deeper wounds that can create this feeling of like, I need you to be this for me, in a way that actually doesn't feel like our most mature, evolved self. So doing this reflection can get us more in touch with that. But often the need is, is something that's real in a relationship.

And in this case, it was, I feel like I need to be on a team with you. This feels important to me. So when you say this, I feel this because I need this. And then making an offer. Would you be willing to this? In this case, would you be willing to work on this with me? Very simple general requests, but they can become more specific.

Now you might be hearing this framework and thinking, all right, Cory, nice communication strategy tips. But there's no way I would talked to my partner in that way. You know, maybe it doesn't fit your relationship dynamic. And I get that. There are certain relationships where maybe I could talk in this way and then other relationships, you know, friendships, I think of from years ago where this doesn't feel like it fits as much.

However, I do think you can use this framework and just adjust the tone. So let's take this same scenario and I'll, I'll try on a slightly different personality. So someone says, you just need to figure this out. And you would respond, hey, you know, when, when you say something like that, like you just need to figure this out, I really don't like that. I really don't.

It, it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. It actually hurts. And it's because I, I need to feel like we're, we're on a team, like we're doing this together. So is that something that we can work on, that you'd be willing to work on? So do you see how it's, it's the same languaging, but it's a slightly different tone that might meet a different relationship dynamic. Of course, there are an infinite number of permutations of what this can look like, what it can sound like, but the core framework is sound.

And it is a great way to step out of blame to be really specific on offering feedback. When you said this specifically, I felt this. This was it. I felt this. I felt this because I need this.

I have this need. These are all mature aspects of two people coming together expressing themselves and working through the messiness of, of intimacy. Now, you know, intimacy referring to any sort of closeness. So this can be in your partnership. But you can also apply this to parenting with your children and also friendships or relationships with, with other family members where it can get really messy.

And then at the end, the end is, is optional. But I think it's important. It's would you be willing to this? And you can change that up to fit whatever sort of requests you might want to make. But it's showing a way forward. So I think this can be a powerful communication strategy for you to implement into your life and into your relationships.

At the very least, I think it's something that can help you get clear on what you're feeling after somebody does something that makes you feel activated in a certain way. And you can go off on your own and reflect on it through this model. Okay. What was said? How did I feel? What is my need here? And what would I actually be asking of them? Whether or not you bring that to the relationship is up to you, but I do think it can be helpful for us to get clarity when we're feeling a bit soupy in our emotions. So I hope this gives you something to practice in your life.

Thank you for your practice. I'll talk to you soon. And until next time, take care.

Talk

4.7

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