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How to Meditate: Meditation 101 for Beginners
10 Science-Backed Benefits of Meditation
What is Meditation?
Benefits of Mindfulness: Mindful Living Can Change Your Life
Mindfulness 101: A Beginner's Guide
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Hi, and welcome to your Daily Mindfulness. Today, I'm going to share a three step method to stop arguments. Now we probably all had the experience of trying to express how we feel to someone and that leading to an unintended argument. We've all been there. Well, psychologist, author, and relationship researcher, John Gottman says that in those times, a mistake that we often make is that we start the conversation with what he calls a harsh startup, which comes out sounding like basically a criticism towards the other person.
A harsh startup usually begins with the word, you, as in, you never pull your weight around here or you don't even care what I want or you don't listen to me. You didn't do the dishes. So starting a conversation like this, the other person is very likely to get defensive and things can pretty easily escalate into a fight. In fact, Gottman's research found that 96% of the time, if the discussion starts with harsh startup, the outcome of the conversation will usually end as it began, negative and hostile. So how can we communicate more clearly and effectively? Well, Gottman recommends using a gentle startup.
You can read more on the gentle startup in his book, which I highly recommend. But here today, I'm going to boil it down to three simple steps that you can remember and just give these basics a try. So step one is start with, I feel. In difficult conversations, start with I statements instead of you statements, that way you're much less likely to be critical. And if possible, you want to name the actual emotion you're feeling in the situation.
So I feel frustrated or I feel sad. Step two, describe what happens specifically that led to you feeling that way, but without making any judgements. So the first two steps might sound like this, instead of saying you're so lazy, you can say, I feel frustrated because you said you would do the dishes last night, but you didn't. Instead of saying you're so bad with money, you could say, I feel concerned because the last three weeks you've spent more than our agreed upon budget. Right? A big difference.
And then step three is to ask for what you need. So in this step, it's really important to ask for what you do want from the other person in positive terms rather than what you don't want. So after you say, I feel frustrated because you said you would do the dishes last night, but you didn't, then you can add, I would really appreciate it. If you could do them today. When you say, I feel concerned because the last three weeks you spent more than our agreed upon budget, you can then add, would you please stick to our agreed upon budget from now on? So step one, I feel.
Step two, describe what happened without judgment. Step three, ask for what you need in positive terms. Now, of course it goes without saying that speaking in a polite and kind and caring way goes a long way to diffusing any potential arguments, because so much of our communication is not in the words, but in the way we speak them. As Mother Teresa once said, "Kind words can be short and easy, but their echoes are endless." So I encourage you to give the soft start up a try the next time you find yourself needing to have a tricky conversation. As always, thank you for your practice and your present presidency.
Let's settle in for today's meditation.
Three Steps to Stop Arguments
Personalized support for learning how to integrate mindfulness into your life. Delivered fresh everyday by our world renowned experts. Choose meditation duration:
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Your default time is based on your progress and is changed automatically as you practice.
Hi, and welcome to your Daily Mindfulness. Today, I'm going to share a three step method to stop arguments. Now we probably all had the experience of trying to express how we feel to someone and that leading to an unintended argument. We've all been there. Well, psychologist, author, and relationship researcher, John Gottman says that in those times, a mistake that we often make is that we start the conversation with what he calls a harsh startup, which comes out sounding like basically a criticism towards the other person.
A harsh startup usually begins with the word, you, as in, you never pull your weight around here or you don't even care what I want or you don't listen to me. You didn't do the dishes. So starting a conversation like this, the other person is very likely to get defensive and things can pretty easily escalate into a fight. In fact, Gottman's research found that 96% of the time, if the discussion starts with harsh startup, the outcome of the conversation will usually end as it began, negative and hostile. So how can we communicate more clearly and effectively? Well, Gottman recommends using a gentle startup.
You can read more on the gentle startup in his book, which I highly recommend. But here today, I'm going to boil it down to three simple steps that you can remember and just give these basics a try. So step one is start with, I feel. In difficult conversations, start with I statements instead of you statements, that way you're much less likely to be critical. And if possible, you want to name the actual emotion you're feeling in the situation.
So I feel frustrated or I feel sad. Step two, describe what happens specifically that led to you feeling that way, but without making any judgements. So the first two steps might sound like this, instead of saying you're so lazy, you can say, I feel frustrated because you said you would do the dishes last night, but you didn't. Instead of saying you're so bad with money, you could say, I feel concerned because the last three weeks you've spent more than our agreed upon budget. Right? A big difference.
And then step three is to ask for what you need. So in this step, it's really important to ask for what you do want from the other person in positive terms rather than what you don't want. So after you say, I feel frustrated because you said you would do the dishes last night, but you didn't, then you can add, I would really appreciate it. If you could do them today. When you say, I feel concerned because the last three weeks you spent more than our agreed upon budget, you can then add, would you please stick to our agreed upon budget from now on? So step one, I feel.
Step two, describe what happened without judgment. Step three, ask for what you need in positive terms. Now, of course it goes without saying that speaking in a polite and kind and caring way goes a long way to diffusing any potential arguments, because so much of our communication is not in the words, but in the way we speak them. As Mother Teresa once said, "Kind words can be short and easy, but their echoes are endless." So I encourage you to give the soft start up a try the next time you find yourself needing to have a tricky conversation. As always, thank you for your practice and your present presidency.
Let's settle in for today's meditation.
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This is the app I turn to when I want to feel calm and loved.
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Melli has a beautiful way of guiding and reminding us of the stillness within.
- Adrienne James
I have been on a journey of healing and learning self-love. Amidst the work, I have been using the mindfulness app for the gentle reminders, guides to the moment (especially the difficult ones).
Kelly Boys offers a fresh and illuminating take on how to step out of lifelong patterns that keep snagging us.
- Tara Brach, PhD
Truly life changing. This isn't solely meditation and mindfulness...this is about striving to be the best the versions of ourselves.
- Marisa, Plus+ Member
Relaxing and assuring beyond description... thank you, Cory.
- Babs312
This is the app I turn to when I want to feel calm and loved.
- Abby
Melli has a beautiful way of guiding and reminding us of the stillness within.
- Adrienne James
I have been on a journey of healing and learning self-love. Amidst the work, I have been using the mindfulness app for the gentle reminders, guides to the moment (especially the difficult ones).
Kelly Boys offers a fresh and illuminating take on how to step out of lifelong patterns that keep snagging us.
- Tara Brach, PhD
Truly life changing. This isn't solely meditation and mindfulness...this is about striving to be the best the versions of ourselves.
- Marisa, Plus+ Member
Relaxing and assuring beyond description... thank you, Cory.
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- Paul Gilbert, PhD, FBPsS, OBE, Centre for Compassion Research and Training, University of Derby, United Kingdom
Excellent! Cory gently guides you into internal peace.
- Steve Ericson
A necessary tool for those who feel lost.
- Piper
Just want to say a big thankyou to all involved as this has had a positive impact in my daily life 🙏 Valuable teachings that have allowed me to have a better relationship not only with those around me, but with myself. Heal ourselves and we heal the world 💫✨🌍
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I start every day with Cory or Melli for my daily practice. Including this app into my practice helps me continue to build more mental focus and understanding of my thought processes. What a welcome and powerful gift.
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Shamash's guidance is a gift of wisdom to help us in our busy and stressful lives.
- Paul Gilbert, PhD, FBPsS, OBE, Centre for Compassion Research and Training, University of Derby, United Kingdom
Excellent! Cory gently guides you into internal peace.
- Steve Ericson
A necessary tool for those who feel lost.
- Piper
Just want to say a big thankyou to all involved as this has had a positive impact in my daily life 🙏 Valuable teachings that have allowed me to have a better relationship not only with those around me, but with myself. Heal ourselves and we heal the world 💫✨🌍
- Marty
I start every day with Cory or Melli for my daily practice. Including this app into my practice helps me continue to build more mental focus and understanding of my thought processes. What a welcome and powerful gift.
- Oku
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